By Jamie Wayne
For those of you who now
take computers for granted, you should know there are still many people out
there who have yet to log on to one for the first time and are very intimidated
by them. At the top of the list are seniors.
What's scaring them off
is not the technology so much as it is the lingo. There's a whole new
vocabulary to learn and it can be overwhelming.
But not to worry, ladies
and gents. Jamie is riding in to the rescue.
Here are the answers to
the most frequently asked questions to help get you in the game.
I don't have a computer,
can I still search the internet?
Yes, you can. But only
if Spock performs a Vulcan mind-meld on you. Trouble is, he's kinda hard to get
hold of these days. He's currently in Vermont doing summer stock with Jason
Alexander and Bette Midler's ex-hairdresser.
What's the best laptop
out there for me?
Given that enormous gut
sir, I would say a very loose-fitting cardigan.
What is a hard drive?
Up the Don Valley
Parkway in a moped - at rush hour.
What exactly is
contained in Ram memory?
That unforgettable night
with that Ewe in the Pyrenees.
My mouse is stuck. What
should I do?
I'm assuming you've
tried the usual remedies: pliers and the threat of bringing over the
neighbour's cat - and he still won't budge. So that leaves you no alternative
but to enroll him in the Jenny Craig weight loss program. There's currently a
sweet deal on - you get 15% off and a free DVD of Kirstie Alley inhaling a
chocolate cake as a between meal snack. Rated PG-13. Nobody will be seated
during the last five minutes.
What the heck is a
double click?
For me - every time I
try and bend my right knee.
How do you google
somebody?
I'd love to tell you
ma'am, but this is a family magazine.
Just what is a blog anyway?
A log for the Blue Man
Group.
How do you burn a CD?
I'm assuming you're
talking about David Hasselhoff's Greatests Hits. I've used everything from
lighter fluid to an acetylene blowtorch. Thankfully, pretty well anything
works.
What is a cursor?
You mean, who is a
cursor. And the answer is every bleepin' coach in the NHL.
What are the symptoms of
a computer virus?
A stuffed node.
Cable Modem. I keep
hearing that name and drawing a blank. Why does that sound so familiar?
He was the runner-up to
Selsun Blue on American Idol 26.
What's the exact
definition of spam?
Any movie starring Rob
Schneider.
And last and certainly
not least: What are megabytes?
The pastrami sandwiches
at Moe Pancers. Throw in a couple of old dills on the side and now you're
talking my kind of language, baby.
About the Author
Jamie Wayne is a
multi-talented writer who has spent his career entertaining Canadians coast to
coast as a humour columnist and an engaging TV and radio Personality. His web
site is:www.jamiewayne.com. He can be contacted at: Jamie.wayne@sympatico.ca
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